So I’m gonna do my best to talk about this without getting into the nitty gritty details of my sex life, but I do want to share my thoughts on the heteronormative standard for homosexual and other-sexual relationships.
Before I get into that, I have to talk about my own sexuality. Previously, when I presented as male (and I won’t even say “identified” as male because honestly that was just a habit out of default and ignorance, rather than any actual self-identification) I identified as gay. I presented as male while identifying as homosexual.
Later, of course, I came out as genderfluid, or non-binary, or transgender. Technically, or perhaps theoretically, I can still be homosexual if I’m attracted to other genderfluid/non-binary/transgender individuals. That would mean I’m attracted to the same gender, or homosexual.
Now, for the most part, I’m attracted to men. I’ve been attracted to a few women in the past, and I’ve been attracted to non-binary and transgender individuals as well. Generally, though, I’m attracted to people who present and/or identify as male. So technically/theoretically, gay and homosexual aren’t accurate descriptions of my sexuality any longer.
I think likely the most accurate description, given my past attractions and current gender identity, would be pansexual, with a preference for male-presenting individuals.
Now, I’m sure I’m not the first to say defining sexuality based on a social construct like gender creates many interesting issues to consider, but I’m also not an expert in gender or sexuality, so forgive me if anything I’ve said is incorrect due to ignorance. For me, anyway, that’s how I see it. I’m pansexual and genderfluid.
The difficulty I face currently is trying to figure out what that means for me when it comes to future relationships. Binary cisgender and/or transgender individuals in heterosexual relationships have eons of stories, stereotypes, and social norms to draw from when determining their relationships. Whether they want to buy into socially accepted norms or not, they at least have a baseline to start from and build upon.
To some extent, binary cisgender and/or transgender individuals in homosexual relationships also have culturally approved ideals of what a relationship should look like. Many of these are of course based on stereotypes of straight/cisgender relationships as well. Additionally, there are stories, stereotypes, and social norms unique to homosexual relationships. At the very least, there is a baseline to start from when defining a homosexual relationship.
When individuals stray further outside the “mainstream” or “acceptable” relationships, in terms of sexuality, gender, or even non-monogamous or polyamorous, defining a relationship becomes more difficult. As an individual who is both genderfluid and pansexual, what does a “normal” representation of a relationship look like? How do I know what to look for, or what I want to achieve?
For the first third of my life, I only considered straight marriages and stereotypes and happily ever afters. I constantly try to fit my narrative into what I grew up with- how do I fit into a straight, cisgender relationship? I don’t.
Then I try to fit into what I thought I would end up as- what will my gay, cisgender relationship look like? But now that’s outdated also.
I struggled a lot with being gay, and some of that was due to having no idea what a gay relationship looked like. There were very few examples to draw from, so my vision of my own future became uncomfortably murky. I didn’t have a clear goal to aim for based on everyone else around me.
I spent the next third of my life trying to figure out what it meant to be gay, and what that meant for my future relationships. I didn’t really do well for a long time until close to when I was already struggling with my gender. At that point I was starting to see real examples of gay relationships in my own life, but at the same time was recognizing they still didn’t quite fit who I am.
And now here we are. What does a pansexual relationship look like with me, someone who is genderfluid/non-binary/transgender? It doesn’t fit into what I know of straight relationships, or gay relationships, or binary relationships. There aren’t many examples to draw from. My future is even more murky, as my anxious self tries desperately to revert back to a heteronormative standard.
“I want to get married!”
“I want kids!”
“I want my husband to make more money than me!”
“I want to work less and take care of my children!”
“I want to move to whatever city I marry into!”
Stereotype after stereotype trying to overwhelm me and force me into a preconceived notion of what my relationship looks like. Regardless of the fact that I’m genderfluid, I need to choose- will I be the stereotypically male role of working hard, making more money, etc? Or will I be the stereotypically female role of taking care of our multiple children, hosting parties, doing housework?
Yes these roles are ridiculously outdated. I get it. But my poor panic brain needs to always have a plan, always be prepared, and when I don’t have many examples of a non-binary relationship, apparently I revert to the 1960s and start to pretend I’m a housewife.
Don’t get me wrong, I truly want kids. That is perhaps the only piece I know as a true desire of my own, rather than a put-upon stereotype. Do I want to get married? Probably. But mostly that’s due to not knowing what other types of lasting relationships are possible. Do I want someone to make more money than me? I’m not going to say no, but I also like knowing I’m independent and responsible for everything in my own life.
So, honestly, who knows what I actually want. I sure don’t. Hopefully the right person(s) just fall into my lap one day and shock me out of the last vestiges of my sad, heteronormative mentality.
Fiercely Fluid 