Y’all, I’m ok.

I know some of you have been worried recently. Yes, I’m struggling. I’ve been in a depressive episode deeper than any I’ve had in years. My anxiety has been overwhelming at times. I’ve had several panic attacks recently. I’ve struggled to sleep unless utterly exhausted.

There are several factors affecting me, some of which are affecting us all. Covid-19 and the stress of my family and friends who are high-risk or in high-risk jobs has created a steady anxiety in my gut. Working my own high-risk job has added a burden of worry to everyday life.

Dealing with the current state of American politics is an utter nightmare. Watching elected officials actively fight the will of the people has almost broken my trust in the inherent goodness of the world. My optimism and hope is damaged, but not destroyed. My belief in others is wounded.

Handling my grandfathers passing is incredibly difficult, but the unique challenges of the current times have not helped. Not having been able to see my grandfather since I stayed with him for a week in long-term care last year is something I never expected. It’s the most cliché realization, but time is fleeting and we never know when our last opportunity will be to see someone- for various reasons.

I’m also dealing with a very personal struggle, which I’m not sure I can be open about publicly. Unfortunately, that’s a significant portion of the struggle- I pride myself on being open about my life and my difficulties. In this instance, the delicate balance of the situation may not allow me to be as open as I would like. It’s hard dealing with something when I can’t talk openly about it like I do my other struggles.

We are all struggling- these are difficult times for everyone. And yes, I am struggling much more than I have in recent years. However, I’m not nearly as bad as I have been in the past.

I am ok. I am safe. I am surviving, even if I may not be thriving.

I will be fine. If nothing else, I’m tenacious- my entire life has proven that I refuse to give up, I refuse to give in, nothing can keep me down for long.

I am working to rediscover and embody my carefree joy with the world- I find it sometimes, walking in the rain, laying in the snow, reading a wonderful book.

I often find when overwhelmed with emotion, not only “negative” emotions are enhanced. The same holds true now. I’ve had several moments of delightful laughter, followed by heartbreaking tears. I am feeling, and I am feeling a lot. And that’s ok.

I can tell something within me is building. Something is about to happen. Something amazing, incredible growth, an amazing realization, an explosion of inspiration.

I am buzzing with energy. It is building. I am expanding. The spark inside me has been dormant, but not for much longer. I hope you are ready- I definitely am not! And yet, something inside of me will always be ready.

I am ok. I am safe.

I was. I am, and I trust I will be. And for me, that is enough.