Avoiding Social Anxiety.

Originally posted 2019.11.12

I like sharing various personal journeys because I often feel social media is too glamorous and focused on “perfect” or “good” aspects of our lives, rather than reality. I don’t like portraying an unattainable ideal- it’s important to share the highs and the lows of our lives. On that note, here’s the next stage of my personal journey.

One thing you may not know is I suffer from what sometimes feels like crippling social anxiety. Not only do I absolutely avoid meeting new people at all costs, I also hate running into people I know without any preparation.

I’m sure this surprises many, considering my career choice and outgoing attitude. In many social interactions, I am incredibly uncomfortable and strive to ensure the interaction goes as I planned/practiced for/expected. It’s a stressful goal, considering I can only control my input and rely on the other person/people to react how I hope.

Often when getting ready to spend time with someone, I analyze possible conversation topics and how I plan to respond. I go through several imagined conversations in an attempt to ensure everything is pleasant and unsurprising. This is why I loathe running into someone randomly- I’m not prepared and I’m exceedingly uncomfortable.

As for my career, meeting passengers on the plane is safe. The interactions generally have little depth, there is a low possibility of having an uncomfortable or surprising conversation, and I excel at “performing” as a flight attendant. Similarly, while teaching I excel at the “role” of instructor. I also can look up the roster to prepare for anyone I know being in class.

Sometimes during a particularly bad episode of anxiety, I’ll find myself unable to go in public for “normal” activities. On multiple occasions I’ve driven to a store for groceries only to return home after seeing a full parking lot. Sometimes I’ll be in a store shopping for a very specific few items and I’ll become overwhelmed with the number of people and have to leave without finding everything. It’s interesting to notice differing levels/types of social anxiety.

I truly dislike phone and video calls. I can’t stand having a conversation with someone without being able to accurately analyze their body language and tone of voice. Usually when talking to someone, my entire attention is focused on them as I continually evaluate how the conversation is going and work to respond differently as necessary.

I’ve never handled serious conversations well- I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and be unhelpful. I’m afraid I will share too much, or share too little, and whoever I’m having the conversation with will be disappointed. I consider myself a fantastic listener because I spend all of my effort on reading social/verbal/non-verbal cues in order to react “properly”.

After an interaction doesn’t go as expected, I reimagine it for hours, even days, to figure out what I did wrong and what I can do differently next time. Often I recognize I’m projecting a reaction onto a person without knowing for sure how they feel. I analyze the response as if my perceived/imagined negative response is correct, when in reality that person probably forgot almost immediately what we were talking about.

I think the issue started in school, where I was generally able to answer questions and figure out problems. Being praised for being “smart” or having the right answer caused me to internalize that as a sign of self-worth. If I knew the correct answer/response, I was smart and good. If I made a mistake, I wasn’t trying hard enough. I was usually “advanced”, meaning I was usually right. This meant mistakes and wrong answers disproportionately affected me negatively. I avoided being wrong at all costs- having no answer was better than having the wrong answer. I also developed a love/hate relationship with praise and encouragement. Being praised was what I wanted, but it also added more pressure for the future.

I became really good at faking it. “Fake it until you make it” was an unconscious motto for me, and I faked it a lot. The stress of social anxiety is definitely a major component in my depression/bipolar disorder. It’s a struggle to work on being less socially anxious without going too far in the other direction and faking it during interactions.

I’m currently working on accepting praise, hugs, and love in all senses. I don’t like being praised because I start associating feeling good with external praise rather than with hard work, passion, or dedication. I want to feel good for me, not because of what someone else says. I also don’t generally like hugs unless I initiate- again, the entire anxiety issue is about control. So, if I look uncomfortable when I see you randomly, just know it’s about me and really not about you… but maybe ask if you can hug me next time.

Last, but not least, I’m working on accepting and sharing love. If you say you love me, please know the sentiment is returned. I might not be able to share it verbally yet, but you’ll be the first to know once I can.