I am Fiercely Fluid.

This was supposed to be my introductory blog post.

I was born a May baby, a Gemini, a green-eyed ball of joy. I was assigned male at birth. I had brown hair, a big nose, a wide grin, and fat little cheeks. I loved running and dancing, jumping and swimming, reading and playing make believe.

I grew up with Mister Rogers and Lamb Chop, performed puppet shows for my family, and sold them food from their own pantry. I stomped through the swamp, dug in the dirt, biked in the cul-de-sac. I had lemonade stands and garage sales.

My best friend was a girl from Texas. I wanted to be a girl because girls did all the cool things. My family let me do all the girl things. I did as much as I could for as long as I could, but eventually people tell the boys to act like a boy. I tried my best.

I gave up on gymnastics when I couldn’t do a backwards summersault. I’m gave up on swimming because I was scared of deep water, even though I loved it and I was fast. I gave up on hockey because of a broken arm and and a broken heart. I never took sports seriously because I just want to have fun- being competitive is silly.

I loved art until my teachers wanted to display my work. I never wanted people looking at what I made- I wanted to make it for me. I loved math until I had to do homework, but I convinced my teachers to let me skip homework. I loved history until a teacher made me feel stupid. I love science and psychology because I want to know how the world and the mind works. I love writing more than anything except reading, but they always go together.

I’ve always been shy, but when I pretend to be outgoing I make friends fast. I’m uncomfortable a lot but I don’t like to show it. I treated adults like they were my equals, and they treated me like a person. I made a lot of mistakes from talking to fast or moving too quickly. I’m not patient or calm, and I have a hard time sitting still.

I experienced trauma as a kid, and it changed me forever. As a teen I found out I was gay, setting off a decade-long struggle to accept myself. As a young adult I found out I was depressed and bipolar and anxious, starting a life-long journey of self-discovery. As an adult, I realized I was genderfluid, causing me to give up on trying to figure out the puzzle of my life.

I’m shy and gregarious, silly and serious, quick-witted but slow on the uptake. I’m sadly happy, or happily sad. I’m anxious and brave, depressed and excited, hurt and healing. I’m a little bit of a lot of things.

I’m fabulous, fantastic, fun, fancy, and festive.

I’m fiercely fluid.