Afraid to Love.

I think I’m so afraid of love because I fall in love so easily. I’m afraid to let anyone go. My heart always feels too full, like I’ve crammed too many people in, given too many people the ability to hurt me.

I’m thinking about my darling preschoolers. I helped in their class and I loved every one of them, even the Very Difficult Boy. Maybe especially him. Or maybe it was the girl who cried when I told her it wasn’t fair if only she got to play with me. But it was all of them, each and every one, that I fell in love with. And now I miss them.

I’m thinking about my nieces and nephews, only two of which are actually related to me by blood. One I haven’t even met in person. But I love them, and I miss them all the time. I’m often afraid to call because it hurts so much to say goodbye. It hurts to see them grow up.

I’m thinking about my friends in college. I had a bad falling out with many of them, because college was a really dark time for me. I fell in love with each and everyone one of them. I missed them before, during, and after the falling out. I miss them today. But I’m afraid to reach out and try to fix things. I’m afraid because I was already hurt so much, and they still have the ability to hurt me more if I let them.

I’m thinking about my high school friends, who have known me for over 15 years. Whenever we meet up, it’s as if we never spent time apart. We grew up together, have memories and jokes nobody else will understand. We are separated by distance, but when we are together it’s like we never left.

I’m thinking about my friends from work, some of whom I’ve known for over 6 years. We’ve had amazing experiences, gone on wonderful vacations, survived breakups and marriages and babies. Many I talk to daily, many know the truths of my struggles and desires and goals. I’m afraid to grow too close, but I can’t help letting people in.

I’m thinking about all my aunts and uncles, my cousins. Many of them I haven’t seen in years. I think I was afraid when I came out as gay, and later as genderfluid, that I wouldn’t be accepted. It hurt to imagine their disappointment and I couldn’t let it happen in reality. I loved them too much to give them that chance to react poorly and hurt me.

I’m thinking about my grandparents, who I haven’t seen nearly as much as I could- or should. I love them. I never was good at thanking them for all the presents and cards they’ve given me. I’m not good and reaching out. Sometimes I feel like I started a habit of separation a long time ago and I’m not sure how to fix it.

I’m thinking about my siblings. We grew up together. I don’t even know what to say besides that. They have so much real estate in my heart, I know I can be hurt easily by anything they say or do. I don’t trust easily, and I’m afraid to get hurt- it’s scary knowing someone can affect me so strongly.

I’m thinking about my parents. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. They supported me and took care of me through countless difficult times. They forced me to survive when I could hardly function. And I love them so much, but I’m scared to say it. I don’t want to disappointment them, so I avoid any opportunity of doing so. I have so many people in my life that I love, it’s overwhelming. I’m scared to do too much or not enough. I’m afraid to be vulnerable and let them in. I’m afraid of being hurt.