It’s funny how the most difficult times in my life are when I feel so passionately about something I can’t help but continue working on it.
In college, I had a complete mental breakdown (and that’s putting it lightly). I’ve written about it before and won’t rehash the details here. What I will say is, I was absolutely devastated personally. I barely had energy necessary to live. As I sank further into depression and despair, struggling to survive, I became incensed with the policies my school had surrounding mental illness.
At my weakest point, I was so angry at the injustice further compounding my depression that I felt a glorious, righteous rage fueling me. I spent time and energy I didn’t have to appeal policies, write letters and petitions, attend meetings with various officials. I changed at least three policies while I could barely complete my schoolwork. I petitioned to stay in school while I was barely surviving as a human.
I don’t know how I was able to stay motivated, or write professional emails, create proposals, attend meetings and defend my viewpoint. But I got it done. I survived and created positive change.
Now, I’m in the middle of discovering my gender. I’m focusing on self-acceptance, self-expression, and self-discovery. I have a lot on my plate. And yet, I’m also focused on changing policies and minds to help the world be more inclusive and understanding.
Every step of the way has been a struggle to justify my identity, prove my position, defend my stance, and back it up with research, numbers, and support. I’m fueled by a righteous anger about having to spend so much personal time and energy to fight this battle. Each time I feel a sliver of optimism, I’m slammed with the reality of what I’m trying to do.
The worst is when someone says they understand my position, but I need to prove why change is important and relevant. I have to prove why the change needs to happen now. I have to prove why potential added expenses are worth doing the right thing. I have to prove why changing decades of policies based on stereotypes and discrimination is justified.
Why is the burden on me to do the research and find supporting data? Because if I don’t do it, who will? That’s how I felt in college. I could see the inequality, the unfair policies, but it felt like I was the only one who cared. Maybe I was the only one impacted. Maybe I’m the only one impacted currently. But why does it take so much work to do what is right?
Believe me, I’m finding more personal strength and motivation than I’ve had in a long time. It’s amazing what having a purpose will do. Each setback throws me down for a week before I come back refreshed and even more motivated. I’m not letting this go, no matter how long it takes.
I can’t understand being content with the status quo – there is always room for improvement. I’m a fixer, unable to sit still after finding something that can be fixed or improved. When it impacts me directly, I’m never going to give up. When it impacts my family or friends, I’ll do whatever it takes to move mountains and change the world.
The world is not a fair place. People do not live freely, with equitable treatment. There is inequality at the very root of our society and culture, enshrined in laws and policies throughout the country and globe. We must acknowledging inequality and recognize it has been and will continue to be a monumental task to improve, but we can’t allow ourselves to be overwhelmed. We can make a small change here, a bit of progress there, in spite of setbacks. We are slowly chipping away at the parts of society holding us back. We are slowly, continually making the world a more accepting place.
Fiercely Fluid 