I had another round of conversations recently about my gender expression and the clothes I choose to wear. Of course, we all choose clothes based on the venue, the people we will be with, and the activity we will be doing. We all make choices based on our comfort level and our desires. However, cultural expectations and safety are a consideration for many of us while choosing our wardrobe as well.
As a genderfluid individual, someone who is non-binary, my clothing choice is mainly about safety. I have all types of clothing in my closet, items that are obviously “male” and “female,” plus some clothing that doesn’t quite fit the gender binary. When I get dressed in the morning, I’m not just thinking about where I’m going and who I’m going with. I also consider the chances of meeting people who are less accepting, or potentially even violent. I wonder if it is worth the risk for me to dress how I want, with the chance someone will notice and be angry enough to verbally or physically harass me.
I’m sure many think I enjoy wearing “guy” clothes for the most part, as that is what you see me in most often. Rarely is that an unconscious choice on my part – what I’m wearing is often a carefully deliberate choice. Normally my single allowance is wearing “women’s” pants, as the likelihood of being able to tell the difference between “male” and “female” pants is slim. Sometimes I’ll wear a “women’s” jacket as well, but generally the rest of my clothes are strictly “men’s”. That’s not really what I want to wear all the time, it’s just what is safe.
At work as an instructor I’ve started wearing heels, nail polish, and some makeup. Each time I do, it’s a careful choice. I look at who I’m working with, which supervisors will be in the building, the class rosters. I’m looking to see how many potential unknowns are in the mix- how much potential there is for an issue to develop. Another difficulty is the building isn’t just flight attendants – it’s full of pilots and other employees I don’t know who could also raise an issue.
Often in the hall I’ll hold my breath as I walk past pilots, not necessarily out of fear, but from discomfort. I am wary, because I don’t know them. I see looks, raised brows, confusion, but luckily no comments yet. But in my mind, it’s just a matter of time before the wrong person sees me and confronts me.
For my emotional health, I’m becoming less afraid of confrontation. However, realistically that increases my likelihood of running into issues down the line as I begin to dress how I prefer more and more often, forgoing potential safety in an effort to be true to myself. This feeling is something all minorities live with on a daily basis – the struggle to balance safety with the need to be ourselves.
Below originally posted 2019.12.04
I’ve written about how important clothing is for my gender expression. How I dress has always been important, even before I recognized the personal significance. I’ve had a lot of interesting fashion moments; the baggy “I don’t care” look, goth, preppy, slim clothes, etc. This year my fashion growth was exponential because for the first time I feel comfortable and unrestricted, where nothing in the store is off limits. I no longer stare longingly at the women’s section, or justify buying something as “dress up”.
On the other hand, I’m starting to feel a strange anxiety when choosing clothes. If you’re lucky enough to be in my fashion cadre, you’re receiving a lot of pictures and questions. “How does this look? Too much? Too little?” I’m realizing this is my subtle way of asking a different question, one I’m not entirely sure how to ask and I have a subconscious resentment for even questioning.
“Is this too feminine? Do I need to dress more masculine for this event?”
In essence, I’m trying to find out where my safe spaces are. When and where is it safe for me to dress precisely how I would like, with no regard to masculine/feminine stereotypes?
I often talked about how lucky I was to never experience any overt discrimination or harassment based on my sexuality. I was incredibly fortunate growing up with a loving, supportive community. Now, I’m feeling a strange fear I’ve never faced before.
I always thought of myself as brave. I’m someone who will stand up when I see something wrong. However, navigating how to support myself is an interesting new journey. It’s especially difficult to face this new fear of rejection or embarrassment. I’m digging into the fear to understand where it comes from and how it informs my actions. I’ve always believed I would live my life to the fullest, unconstrained and unafraid.
Working through that while accepting and embracing my gender is a work in progress. I appreciate your support, especially if I ask for fashion advice. Just remind me to stay true to myself and deal with any negative reactions the way I always do- smile and shrug.
Fiercely Fluid 