Originally posted 2019.10.11
I started coming out as a gay man in high school. At the time, it was the best terminology and understanding I had. It was a long and messy process; I struggled with shame, anger, sadness, and acceptance. I don’t think I fully accepted myself identifying as gay until midway through college.
I didn’t come out to my family until my first year of college. I’m not sure what took so long, but I had a deep seated anxiety about saying the words “I’m gay”. I regret how it happened- I sent a group text while drunk. Of course, there’s no right way to come out.
Last year, I came out as genderfluid. It happened earlier than I was planning- I struggled with my gender identity, experimenting for several years. After watching videos about trans identities at a work meeting, I spiraled. My gender-journey moved incredibly quickly after that- the pressure built and I couldn’t stay silent about my identity any longer.
Both times I came out, as gay and as genderfluid, I eventually felt a release of pressure. I felt released from the burden of acting the way society expects. I felt a freedom to truly be myself. Coming out worked for me, but it doesn’t for everyone. I don’t support the massive role “coming out” has in the stereotypical LGBTQ+ experience.
One thing I dislike about the coming out narrative is the burden placed on the LGBTQ+ individual. We assume straight cisgender as the norm, and burden everyone that doesn’t fit the mold with the stressful need to bare a pice of our soul, constantly, throughout our life. There’s a nasty pressure of shame and cowardice for those who haven’t come out, or come out fully. For an already difficult aspect of our identity, we don’t make it any easier.
I support anyone who wants to come out. I support anyone who has already come out. But mostly, I support those who can’t come out, don’t have a desire to come out, or want to change the coming out narrative entirely. I do not support the shame necessitating someone to come out. I do not support the assumption that not coming out means a person is straight and cisgender. I do not support the reality that people have to come out as “other” in our culture. We are valid regardless of how we identify, and we don’t owe anyone the soul-baring piece of our identity.
Fiercely Fluid 