Originally posted 2019.10.02
Having long hair has been a secret fantasy of mine for as long as I can remember- well, after my mullet days when I was five.
When I realized I was gay, I knew I would have trouble fitting in with societal expectations of being male. I overcompensated by attempting to portray masculine ideals as much as possible, including with clothes, hairstyle, and no makeup. The only time I allowed myself to showcase traditionally feminine aspects in terms of grooming and appearance was while dressing up.
I still remember the strange exhilaration coursing through me during the talent show in seventh grade. I was dressed in all “girl” clothes (except I made sure to wear boxers, in some odd desire to prove I was still a boy), makeup, heels, a wig, and balloon boobs. Strutting onto stage pretending to be Britney Spears was incredibly intoxicating. It was also safe, as everyone including myself knew it was just a performance, it wasn’t reality.
Perhaps a year later my school had a cross-dressing dance (did I mention I probably wouldn’t have survived at a “normal” school?). Not only was I able to dress up as a girl again, everyone else was breaking gender norms at the same time! I was exceedingly uncomfortable the entire time- should I have shaved my armpits? Am I wearing too much makeup? Am I enjoying this more than the other boys? In many ways it was worse than wearing boy clothes.
As I struggled to accept my sexuality, I went through a stereotypical “goth” phase. I wore black eyeliner, nail polish, and grungy clothes. It wasn’t a look I remember fondly, but again I was swept with a strange excitement while painting my nails and drawing on my eyes. This soon faded- the look didn’t fit, and the makeup just wasn’t enough.
At one point all the boys went through a long-hair phase. I was ecstatic- here was a chance for me to have long hair while still fitting in with the ideals of masculinity. I have never hated my curls more in my life. All the boys in school had long, flowing, straight locks while mine kept curling and curling no matter how long it got. It never ended up how I wanted it- such a bittersweet experience.
Throughout the past decade since, I’ve tried longer hair occasionally. I’ve worn makeup as a boy a few times. For the past few years I’ve worn women’s pants more than men’s. However, my true gender expression usually happened during parties or performances. Any chance to dress up was another chance to feel that strange exhilaration and excitement.
I’ve recently realized the feeling was freedom- from societal expectations of how I should look and dress based on the gender everyone believed me to be. The sad truth is, the times I felt closest to expressing my true self were the times I dressed up pretending to be someone or something else.
Now that I’m more comfortable with who I am, I’m excited to continue to bring that sense of freedom into everyday life. It’s difficult to overthrow 28 years of habitual hiding and conforming, but I’ve always been determined to get my own way (even against myself). It’s also increasingly constricting to work in an industry that often feels locked 50 years in the past, but I’m optimistic progress is finally happening.
Every time I notice my long hair I am filled with excitement. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it represents so much personal change and acceptance. I’ve always been a visual person, and seeing my visual representation more closely match my internal identity is euphoric.
Fiercely Fluid 