Mind Medicine.

I’ve had several conversations recently regarding medications for mental illness, which allowed me to examine my internal stigma and bias against medication. I’ve written about it before but want to take a deeper dive. As always, it’s important to say I am not an expert nor a doctor, and only write from my own experience.

In college, I had what can best be described as a year of mental and emotional distress. For the majority of the year I hovered around complete shutdown, to the point where I could not solely take care of myself. The causes behind my distress were many, but the symptoms were depression, generalized/social anxiety, and panic attacks.

In my experience there are two types of psychiatrists – those who prescribe medicine to help you heal and address underlying issues, and those who prescribe medicine to cover up your issues. I unfortunately started with a psychiatrist from the latter group. In the midst of a full blown mental/emotional breakdown, my psychiatrist prescribed me fast-acting “uppers” and “downers” in addition to long-lasting “uppers” and “downers”. My already volatile mental/emotional state was utterly overwhelmed.

Her goal was to get me through college. Her goal was to ensure I functioned at the bare minimum in order to survive, but she was not focused on helping me stabilize or address the causes of my symptoms. I didn’t recognize this at the time because I honestly couldn’t think about anything other than my overwhelming emotions.

I existed in a constant state of cycling between incredibly high and low moods. My mind was non-existent. I have complete gaps in memory. I lost virtually a year of my life. Wellbutrin may have been the only medicine that stabilized me. I took Trazadone at night and passed out. I took Adderall in the morning because the Trazadone made me too drowsy and I couldn’t wake up. I took Lorazepam daily because the Adderall sent me into a panic attack. They were all prescribed “use as needed,” and I needed them. It was a vicious cycle to see which medicine would tip me over the edge first.

Lorazepam won, and I lost. I had a panic attack and took pill after pill to try and shut the panic attack down. I ended up almost shutting myself down. Luckily my body saved itself and I survived.

The psychiatrist wasn’t even going to stop prescribing me Lorazepam after my overdose. Only after talking with my sister was I able to comprehend how it might be a good idea to steer clear of the medicine that almost killed me. I stopped taking everything except Wellbutrin. Eventually I switched psychiatrists.

That’s when I found out there was a better type of psychiatrist – the kind who asked how the medicine affected me, and whether I was addressing my issues with other methods. I switched to a different medication (I forget what) for a stable two years. Eventually I determined I wanted to discontinue medication, and luckily was able to do so without negative side effects.

There is a stigma against medication for the mind. If someone has allergies, we ask, “Oh, are you taking anything for that?” If they have high blood pressure, “Which medication are you on? Have you tried what my friend takes?”

Why should medicine for the mind be any different?

Medicine for the mind is like a brace for an injured knee. If I injure a knee, I don’t just fill up on pain medicine and block out the issue. If I can’t tell I’m injured, I’ll just keep walking on the knee and making it worse. Instead, I put a on a knee brace. The brace helps the pain, but I still feel the injury. More importantly, the brace supports the joint while it heals normally. Sometimes I use the brace even after the knee is healed, to ensure it has the support necessary to prevent further injury.

Mind medicine is the same. It shouldn’t block everything out completely – I can’t just avoid the issue. The medicine should support me enough to heal naturally. Maybe I’ll continue using medication as a brace to support me and ensure the injury/illness doesn’t come back or get worse.

I never wanted medicine to be the end goal. I wanted medicine to stabilize me so I could work on my behaviors and habits and thoughts, and hopefully prevent or address symptoms. Unfortunately, I had a terrible experience with medications and prescribers. Don’t let that detract from your use of medicine, just make sure you get the proper help you need. Perhaps one day I will consider using medication again, once I’m able to move away from past experience.