Originally posted 7-21-2019
The last two years (going on twenty eight) have been a struggle of self discovery, and the journey isn’t over. Thankfully, I am more comfortable with myself than ever before.
I am by no means an expert on gender. It is not my intention to speak from anything other than my own jumbled experience, and I hope to continue learning throughout this process.
I was assigned male at birth. It was not part of my culture or upbringing to question that fact, so I grew up with the belief I was male. When I realized I was attracted to men, it seemed as if all my confusion about my identity was remedied.
I never truly identified as male except by default, and often relate more easily with females. Female characters in books and movies resonate more, and I’m more comfortable with women and girls. Finding commonalities with men, even gay men, is difficult. Traditionally feminine aspects of my identity are easier to embody, while masculine characteristics are often a struggle.
Any opportunity to dress up is a lifesaver. I feel comfortable and free when embodying a character other than myself. The most difficult character is “boy”- I used to attribute this to being gay.
I sometimes feel adrift from my body, almost an out of body experience. I look in a mirror and can’t understand how that is me- only my eyes feel real. I glance down and feel a strange detachment from my limbs. Some of this is due to childhood trauma, but a lot is difficulty relating to my male body. I went through a short stint of self-harm as a teen, attempting to connect my mind/emotions with my body.
My gender expression became tied more closely to clothing and appearance. What I wear has always been important to me as a representation of who I am (for others and for myself). I often feel everything I wear is a costume – today I will dress as “boy,” or “male flight attendant,” or “quasi-drag queen”. Generally I am most comfortable in a mix of clothing, both “male” and “female,” because I don’t feel a need to pretend or act masculine/feminine.
In a lot of ways my gender expression became superficial in relation to appearance and behavior, because I couldn’t find a deeper connection to my belief that I was male. The past few years of questioning my gender identity allowed me to find a deeper, truer connection to myself. It’s been difficult- I am often more confused than when I was a teenager discovering I was gay. Now I don’t even know if I’m technically gay since I no longer identify as male.
As you can tell, I’m only starting this discovery. I have a lot of soul searching to do. I hope to continue to learn and grow, now and forever, to become more free and comfortable in my own skin.
For the time being I will continue to use male pronouns. If that changes in the future I will let you know. I’m not looking for validation or judgement, but support in my journey. Please feel free to share any resources you think I should investigate. As always, thank you for allowing me to be myself, wherever that takes me.
Fiercely Fluid 